I need a Billion too!

Since last year we’ve been getting these warnings of doom and gloom from various quarters, some of them even credible. Me? I get up and I watch the news, safe in the furry fact that I’ve been broke since before it was fashionable. I can clearly identify the periods of my life where I could say I had money in my pocket let alone the bank. It was twice.

I’d love to say that’s because “The Man” never gave me a chance and always held me down, but that would be so far from the truth that even I would have to laugh. No, money never really played a big importance in my life until lately. As long as I had enough to create the falsehood of happy then that was fine. My banks on the other hand always played rough house with me to the extent that I usually moved between them like MAW makes the shift from electric bass to Korg in the final quarter of To Be In Love, remember those days? When you could walk out of Barclays and in to Lloyds and bob was your uncle? Well, now the banks have sussed it!

In the last six months you can count on the same calculator that HBOS, RBS and others used the number of financial institutions that have hit the wall running. I mean hit the wall with the same force that one of the remedials at my senior school used to when we bribed him with fags, HARD!

The trick is that they can now go cap in hand to governments and say “Lend us some money or we’ll collapse and then no one will owe any one any thing”. Did you read that bit? NO ONE WILL OWE ANY ONE ANYTHING! That’s right if enough of them die then the accounts will stop making sense. If I borrow 1000 pounds from TSB and they go to the wall then I will owe the administrators of that institution who will then decide who is to benefit from that debt. if the potential benefiters also go to the wall then how can they pass this on and more to the point if there is no one to pay the administrators wont they then start to pilfer what’s left so that they wont loose out? It will be like a pyramid scheme or better still the CSA when they found they couldn’t cope with the amount of cases coming in and all but abandoned the chase on 50% of fathers.

The only thing that the banks have over the government is that the fall of capitalism will unleash anarchy, well what the hell is happening now? It’s not the calm reversal of fortune that they’d have us believe. It’d widely known that most of these people at the top didn’t have clue what was going on apart from they started with a billon trillion of some ones money, spent it in a market where people would bet on night being dark and made more money so that they and their no chin progeny could go to the Maldives and plan how to spend the next billion trillion. If Singeon St James Sphincter was so smart along with the rest of the financial industry why didn’t they know it was all going to fail and that the loans they bought from other people based on the housing market was as viable as the E- Commerce condom that burst whilst they were in coitus last time...?

If these people can ask for me for more money that they can’t effectively manage why can’t I have some? I’ve already stated that I’m no financial genius, I’ll drive five miles to get cheaper petrol and then realise that I’ve made a ten mile round trip and spent the benefit. I have a middle class well educated name Conrad Donovan Randall, I’m receding at the temples, I can drive flash cars and even own a bespoke suit so I’m more or less qualified

At least my billion would be spent down the local market, corner shop, pub, train station etc. the people in question have off shore accounts and pay less tax than the guy who delivers our groceries and who came here from Poland. They invest in accountants that protect them from paying the correct amount of tax. They will follow their old habits and spend the cash in even more exotic locations, flying business class to meetings that could be held on video conference systems.

I would stretch to buying one of the places snatched back from one of Singeon lackeys who were let go just before they realised there was no recover y and sit in his gazebo enjoying Regatta de Blance on his Bose system whilst soaking in his hot tub. ……

Yeah you’re right I’d go on a bender! But that proves my point, we all would and that’s what the banks have been doing. They have had the bender to end all benders and now are asking their mates, mates of mates, and their girlfriends to cover the bill while they slink off down to the next bar to beg yet another drink.

You know what would fix all of this? Tony Blaire!!! Get him back! There was no shortage when he was in charge; there was no fall in interest rates when Tony was on point. All we've got now is some toseer called Gordon who looks like the remedial we bribed (same jowls and pot belly)

Gordon Brown was a fantastic chancellor apart from selling all our gold just before the price went through the roof. He made shit make sense even when it didn’t. When he lifted the red case it meant shut the f*ck up! I got this. Alistair Darling lifts that same case and you think, isn’t that a dirty case? Or wasn’t he the children’s entertainer at my kids birthday? No one will trust some guy with pepper white hair and black eye brows. It’s just not natural. He should be a wizard or a woodwork teacher or maybe the chief of some secret police outfit on TV where all the men are mavericks and the lone woman is just as tough but conflicted because her dad and her brother said she could never know the force like they did just before they were brutally killed.

If Tony refuses like the old warriors do then let’s install Ed Balls, say that again and revel in how good that sound feels. ED BALLS, he looks enough like Tony to spark the much needed investment we crave, and he’s not a Tory like all those bankers.

Why don’t they know this?

Let’s get back on track with some sensible measurers, give me my billion for a start and I’ll shut up. Let’s stop giving blue bloods and incompetents more money to spunk on rubbish and start giving money to medium sized local firms who can then begin to employ people from the local community. This in turn will enable that bastard bus driver I’ve mentioned previously to spend more money locally, feed his kids and not loose the house that he gets free transport to and from. This will enable the lady who has just returned to work after caring for her kids to get that 2% raise she desperately needs after her first year. This will create the much needed feel good factor and confidence that grass roots consumers have to have to spend money on items that we don’t require. Feeding the economy and actually lifting all of us. That’s the only way were going to end this.

Failing that? If anarchy does ensue, you’ll find me and few well chosen friends and family holed up in the biggest Tesco we can find with huge guns and dogs. Living in the hope that one day will come our saviour credit will come back.

To be continued

Margaret Thatcher: I have concluded that the unity of the Party and the prospects of victory in a General Election would be better served if I stood down